2008 Brits Liveblog, complete with photos live from the show!

Liveblogs, Music News

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osbournessss.gifI am poised, waiting, mantis-like before my keyboard. I am not moving from this spot until The Brit Awards has finished and we know PRECISELY who has been crowned music royalty. I am going to spend the next 4+ hours sitting staring, in silence, at my blinking cursor until the action begins. This seems the only sensible way to prepare.
Sure, you could read a liveblog from someone backstage at the actual event. But they’ll be having too much fun / cocaine / cocaine-fuelled fun to judge proceedings properly. And sure, you could watch the whole thing on TV for yourself! But NOW YOU DON’T HAVE TO.
Join me! We can be lonely together! Hold me?

*Resumes poised, waiting, mantis-like position*

7.45: Welcome! OK, I broke off from my self-imposed silence to have a quick scream and also to have a look at the pre-show shenanigans on ITV2. I’m guessing you didn’t see it, so I’ll give you a little taste of what you missed over the page – then it’s business time! Aaaaaaiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!


Right, The Brits Red Carpet on ITV2 included:
- Emma Griffiths interviewing two of the Kaiser Chiefs for 10 seconds before breaking off rather abruptly
- Poor Rihanna shivering outside while Matt Willis gurned in her pretty little face
- A pair of not-bad Osbournes impersonators in a very bad spot of backstage wackiness
- Lauren Laverne interviewing Mark Ronson and looking much taller than I expected her to
- Arctic Monkeys dressed as duck-hunting country squires, and mentioning the very poorly-kept secret that Klaxons are going to perform “Umbrella” with Rihanna
7.49: Did you know, readers, that Susi Weaser, editor of girls’ gadget blog Shiny Shiny, is at The Brits right now? Yes, a technology journalist got an invite but I didn’t. Go figure. No don’t! Stay! Well anyway, Susi – in an attempt to assuage her guilt – is going to send through photos from the event as it happens. I’ll be putting them up here at regular intervals, depending on how reliable and untrashed Susi turns out to be. It’ll be like being there! For a (blurry) second! Shiny Media has this whole piece of shit covered from head to toe, yo.
britssetttt.jpg7.55: Right on cue, here’s Susi’s first snap to your left. This is of The Brits’ set, apparently. Golly, it must be very exciting over there for her to produce an image that poor, huh? Thanks Susi!
20:00:
Here we go then, it’s shy retiring Mika. In trousers that aren’t red OR green. Revolutionary!
20:01: Dude’s only going to be able to do that falsetto until he’s about 30, you know.
20:02: And here’s Beth Ditto joining him, butting into “Love Today” with a bit of “Standing In The Of Control”. Oof, Mika went a bit ultrasonic there… Are they not just screaming at each other? Is this how this was supposed to sound? I don’t like it.

20:03:
And just like that, Ditto’s gone. And Mika’s onto “Grace Kelly”, which I foolishly predicted would win best single. It won’t. Leona Lewis will win that. I retract my earlier prediction. I retract! Anyway, very colourful visuals from Mika as you’d expect. Yes, all as expected really, apart from that screamy bit which is already set to turn up in my nightmares.
20:06: Here come The Osbournes! Apparently they’re going to be unscripted tonight. You know that’s because Ozzy would have thought the words on the autocue were the closing credits to a TV movie, right?
20:07: Ugh, Chris Moyles. Wearing a scarf. His first joke bombed, hoorah.
20:08: Moyles still talking. OK, Best Live Act award time. My prediction: Muse to win.
20:09: Take That win. I am emotionally vacant at this decision.
20:11: Jason Orange lists his age-related injuries. The That are clearly touched at winning this award. Mark Owen is laughing a lot.

20:12:
Rihanna and Klaxons! Gosh, it looks very futuristic. A Klaxon appears to be wearing a travel rug! The future is here!!!!!!!
20:14: It’s “Umbrella” mashed up with “Golden Skans! The “oooh oooh oooh ah” bits from “Golden Skans” are getting lost in the mix a tad to my ears…
20:15: Rihanna is a very striking-looking young lady. This is a brave collaboration I think, and does both acts credit. Is it as amazing as I was hoping for? Perhaps not. But I’m glad it has happened.

20:16:
And now Fearne Cotton is interviewing Take That. I think Jason Orange might be near a weepy little collapse, so touched is he.
20:18: NOBODY VOTE FOR THE HOOSIERS FOR BEST SINGLE! That’s an order. And so to the first ad break.
faggirls.jpg20:21: Just time for a little photo-update from Susi. “These are fag girls,” she says, and I am inclined to believe her. Keep this gold coming, Susi!

20:24:
Ah, the controversial critics’ award for Adele. Nobody’s exactly sure what it’s for, but I’m sure Adele deserves it. She went to the Brits school, after all! So, no Brit for Radiohead, but one for Adele. Yep.
20:26: Oh God, Sharon’s threatening to lick Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Thankfully she just gives him a pre-snog.
20:28: Meyers presents British Breakthrough Act to… Mika. My guess was Klaxons, so I’m 0-2.
20:29: Mika remembers to thank everyone. Looks like he was expecting it, to me.

20:30:
It’s Kylie time. Her dancers are like red and blue clones of Daft Punk. That is officially cool. Kylie is singing her catchy new number “Wow”. She’s nicked Britney’s blonde wig from when she went all unhinged, by the looks of it. That’s a bit rude.
20:32: Kylie’s rear end shows no sign of losing it’s appeal, does it? Her performance goes down a storm, naturally. She’d have to murder a swan onstage to lose her audience nowadays. Bravo for not doing that, Kylie!
20:33: Susi texts through to say: “I can officially confirm they are piping cheering in.” I think that was sent pre-Kylie, though.
20:34: Ooh, look at Fearne Cotton’s face as Mika and Adele chat away to each other in her shot!
rihanna.jpg20:38: Courtesy of Susi, here are Rihanna’s lazers. You! Throw some shapes! Now!
20:39: Kelly Rowland is here to present Best International Male. My prediction was Kanye…
20:41: And the winner is Kanye. I got it right! I feel like I won the award myself! Oh, Kanye couldn’t be arsed showing up. His acceptance video is almost certainly cut off before the end.
20:42: Sharon Osbourne is constantly on the verge of orgasm. Which is nice. Her and Kelly invite Beth Ditto back…
20:44: Beth Ditto presents Best British Male to… Mark Ronson. I predicted Mika, since he actually sings, yeah? His own songs, yeah? And is British, yeah? Well done Ronno, you broke all the rules and still won.
20:45: Mark Ronson seems to acknowledge he’s got a leetle bit lucky here. But he does seem to appreciate it, bless him.
20:47: OK, here are Kaiser Chiefs doing “Ruby”, which, as Rosie Swash at The Guardian’s liveblog remarks, feels like it’s ancient already.
20:49: Jesus, do the Chiefs look and sound knackered or is it just me? No jumping about, voices cracking… A pale version of their former selves, frankly.
20:51: Ad break. Time for a delicious Yoghurt And Bluberry Cluster. Incidentally, I’d just like to thank our liveblog sponsors, Marks And Spencer.
20:53:Our lawyers inform me we’re not actually sponsored by anyone. So I’m not getting extra money for this?? What the hell am I doing this for then?!
20:55: Golly, we have commenters! Come on in, the isolation’s lovely. Right, here’s Doctor Who to present Best International Female.
20:58: The winner is… Kylie! I am surprised, I thought Rihanna would get it. She came all the way here to bloody cold Blighty, the poor wench!
21:00: Kylie is blown away by the looks of it (shame her wig isn’t). Ah, you can’t hate Kylie, can you? Even poor Rihanna – who I’ve just decided I’m going to marry – is smiling away.
21:01: Time for Leona’s performance. I wonder if Sharon will critique it afterwards, a la Thingy Idol. That would be inappropriate.
21:02: Leona’s dancers do some quite violent jerking about. Leona reminds me a bit of Toni Braxton before she went all bankrupt (in a good way). What are the odds she’ll be picking up a Grammy for “Bleeding Love” this time next year? Well, Paddy Power? Answer me!
21:04 Best International Group time. Andy Lloyd Webber and Denise van Outen to present. Oh God, they’re flirting. Where the hell is Ozzy, by the way? Is he pissed already? I know that’s not really him commenting below… Or is it?
21:06: The winner is… Foo Fighers. Golly. I am bang wrong once again. Aw look, it’s Davey Grohl on video trying to look like he gives a flying Foo. And failing.
21:07: Jimmy Nesbitt to present Best British Female. Hotly contested, this one. My prediction was Kate Nash.
21:08: Wow, and she got it. Thought Leona Lewis might have nabbed it. Kate Nash deserves it for “Pumpkin Soup” alone, in my humble opinion. So there. But she… she looks like she’s wearing a bejewelled Durex. Oh… Congratulations Kate!
21:10: Michelle Ryan is here, it’s OK. Sigh.
21:11: Right, Best International Album as presented by my belle Michelle is… Jesus, Foo Fighters again?? Is this album even any good? I was under the impression not. Anyway, he’s making another amusing speech and is rock royalty, so good on ya Grohl. “Wish we could be there, but we just sold out Madison Square Garden.” Cheeky.
21:13: And now we have Adele and Ronno Ronson doing Coldplay.
21:15: And Nathanial Merriweather comes on with his over-emoting and his awful hair to do that Smiths song him and Ronno slaughtered…
21:16: But this is what we’ve been waiting for. La Wino and El Ronno, doing “Valerie”. She seems to know where she is! Hurrah! Still a bit twitchy though, no? But I suppose would be as well if I’d just stopped the crack. I don’t quit until tomorrow, yay!
21:18: Well, there it is, she remembered the words and everyone loves her still. Good to see.
21:22: The photos from the event seem to have ceased. This leads me to think Susi is drunk and / or harassing Howard Donald. As long as we get some photo documentation of any debauchery, it’s allowed.
21:23: Wow! They just put Sharon Osbourne into demon-voiced slo-mo to hide her swearing. That’s new! Nice use of time-delay technology, ITV!
21:24: Best British Group, presented by Sir Ian Mcwotsit. The Monkeys have won it again, confounding another of my useless predictions. Here they come, in their Cheshire set get-up. Now, what will they say?
21:26: They are drunk. Brillliant! “We are the most fantastic,” agrees Alex Turner, before parping into a bugle. Now that’s an acceptance speech!
21:29: And now back to Amy Winehouse, for “Love Is A Losing Game”. I kind of wish someone would just hold. Her. Steady. She’s clearly so used to staggering about that she hasn’t broken that particular habit just yet.
21:30: Another bloody innuendo from Sharon Osbourne. Why doesn’t she just nip off to the bogs and finish herself off already?
21:31: Alan Carr to present best single. PleasenotTheHoosiersPleasenotTheHoosiersPleasenotTheHoosiersPleasenotTheHoosiersPleasenotTheHoosiersPleasenotTheHoosiersPleasenotTheHoosiersPleasenotTheHoosiers.
21:32: It’s Take That. Not overly-surprising, or exciting. Jesus, Jason’s going off on one again. YES WE KNOW YOU ARE OLD MOVE ALONG PLEASE.
21:34: Mark Owen looks like Tom Sawyer, the wee tyke!
21:35: Kelly tells her Mum to chill out, an hour and a half too late.

21:36:
Vic Reeves. Ah, I remember when he was the funniest man in the world. Now he just seems to be drunk, and doesn’t know what award he’s supposed to be presenting. “Pisshead!” screams Sharon Osbourne, giving a glimpse of life at home with her. She follows this with the more conciliatory “Bastard!”
21:37: Mastercard Best Album or somesuch, this is. Sharon and Vic are fighting over who will announce the winner…
21:38: Arctic Monkeys have done it again! God, what’s going to happen on that podium now?

21:39:
It’s a pisshead’s convention up there. A nice wee dig at the Brits School from Alex Turner, who may just be the new Vic Reeves. Fuckers! They’ve cut him off! THAT WAS THE MOST INTERESTING THING TO HAVE HAPPENED YET YOU BASTARDS!
21:40: And time for another yoghurt and blueberry cluster.
21:43: Sharon’s got a script for the Paul McCartney intro bit. Ozzy’s been allowed back, and has ballsed it up already. “Mr Sir Paul McCartney!” he bellows, only for his son Jack to cry “Not yet! Not yet!” A vision of what the whole night could have been like, there.
21:45: OK, Kylie’s back to introduce Macca for his Outstanding Contribution award. Not sure why,
21:46: Here he is, fresh from court. Looking good, Sir Paul. Turns out Ozzy’s a massive Macca fan – aw, and he’s been allowed to introduce him. Again. Hmm, Sir Paul’s starting with one of his recent numbers. Which means there’s a good chance he’ll lead into some stuff we actually want to hear eventually.
21:50: Jason Donovan’s in the crowd with Howard Donald. I’m sure you’ll get a nommo next year, Jase.
21:51: Macca’s still not doing a Beatles song.
21:52: “Are you rocking?” he asks. Toes curl across the nation.
21:53: YES. “Live and let die”. WITH FUCKING HUGE EXPLOSIONS. OK, now I’m jealous of you corporate hospitality trough-slurpers. This song will never not be a scorched-earth bowel-shaker. Unless Keane cover it.
glamour.jpg21:54:
“Hey Jude”. Again, can’t go wrong. And look! Susi’s sent us another pic live from the excitement. This one is marked “Travelodge at The Brits”, which throws up many questions, none of which will be answered tonight. A huge big singalong with Uncle Sir Paul now. “Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na!” Sing along at home!
22:00: And that’s your lot. What did you reckon? I wish they’d let Alex Turner slur a bit more from the podium, to be honest. Um, the rest went by in a bit of a blur. Don’t know if you’d noticed, but I’ve been blogging the shit out of this thing for 2+ hours now. Can I go home please?
22:02: Oh. I am at home. Goodnight, readers. Leave your thoughts below, if you have any. And if they’re related to this year’s Brits, all the better. Toodle pip!

Be the first to comment!

  1. Claire says:

    The joy of the Brits is you can always be sure that whoever least deserves to win pretty much always win it. Mika??????????

  2. Ozzy says:

    I’M JUST HERE TO SHOUT STUFF EVERY NOW AND THEN!!!
    (seems to be working so far).

  3. Katie says:

    Ha ha! Dave Grohl’s speech. Ouch.

  4. Ozzy says:

    I MAY BE CONFUSED AND OLD, BUT EVEN I COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB THAN VIC REEVES

  5. Katie says:

    Thanks Stuart, you made the Brits less painful to witness. For which I call down blessings onto your head.

  6. Richard says:

    What a load of cobblers that show was
    Just an excuse for our so called British talent to get wasted big time and not give a flying fudge if they win a Brit award or not

  7. Clivicus says:

    I loved Vic Reeves on it. However, when he is drunk he tries to be funny. Much like on the F Word when he asked Gordon Ramsey for a couple of eggs. Gordon Ramsey simply told him to fuck off.
    All in all, the production was shit. Like they were scared to go off schedule

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