Are David Van Day and Timmy Mallett any worse than another X Factor Christmas number one?

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i'm_a_celeb.jpgIf you’ve been passing your cold winter eves the same way as me, by watching ITV’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, you will no doubt have been transfixified by the insight into the songwriting process provided by new best buds David Van Day (ex-Dollar) and Timmy Mallett (ex-Wacaday).
When they’re not engaged in a seemingly endless battle to be crowned THE MOST ATTENTION-SEEKING PRICK ON TELEVISION, the pair have been pooling their ageing brains as dynamite pop due Croc Idol. So far, they’ve come up with this:



Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Timmy and David seem to have their eyes on the Christmas number one spot, which is sure to send people who can be bothered to care about such things running towards their nearest hardware store so they can stock up on pitchforks with which to stab the pair in their never-silent mouths.
But listen. I was at a pop quiz last night (YES WE WON), and one of the rounds was “Guess The Christmas Number One”. I will tell you something right the hell now – when Leon Jackson’s 2007 crimblus number one “When You Believe” came on, I confided to my team-mate that I had never even heard it before.
Me! A supposed music writer! IMAGINE THAT. ARE YOU IMAGINING IT? IMAGINE IT. And with the recent news that the X Factor winner this year will record a cover of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”, you have to wonder if “Croc Idol” can be any worse.
(Incidentally, this will be the 837,139th time this song has been covered in the last ten years. FACT. Also, isn’t it weird how they decide which song the winner will record before the competition has even finished? Where is the consideration for each singer’s individuality, their unique style? Oh right, Cowell’s behind it, isn’t he. I forgot.)
My point is that if our dear, cherished Christmas Number One has been devalued to that extent, then why not let Timmy and David have their stupid wacky fun. It’s probably their last shot at mainstream pop success, let’s be honest.
And if the country is stupid enough to send MR MOTHERFUCKING BLOBBY to number one – and it is – then it deserves all the crappy novelty bollocks it can swallow. Did you hear that, country?
Anyway, who’s to say their collaboration might not lead to a dense, textured album of fragile beauty? We are, after all, talking about the men who done this:

and this (“ooh wasn’t he handsome, what went wrong” etc):

There is potential there, no?

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