"Sway (featuring Akon)" = Akon + Akon + Akon + a little bit of Sway

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2008 was rather a displeasingly Akon-heavy year, wasn’t it? Seemed like you couldn’t turn on the radio or Hit40MusicBoxFactory without encountering his voice, which to me continues to resemble one of those little noise makers wot makes the sound of a sheep when you turn it upside down.
Still, that was last year and this is this, so let’s move along and forget all about the bewilderingly-successful Akon, whose music I would wager has soundtracked more unwelcome nightclub gropes than any other act.
Only, we can’t move on just yet. Because convicted child-flinger Akon is now not only the type of berkingstock who ruins American people’s music. To a remarkably stellar list which includes Gwen Stefani and Snoop Dogg we can now proudly add previously enjoyable UK urban chap Sway.

Sway used to make rather exciting UK hip-hop of a grime-y nature, and, like Wiley and Dizzee Rascal, owed refreshingly little to tiresome US rap influences. He did a track called “Up Your Speed” which referenced Milton Keynes, for goodness’ sake. That’s an “end” to which 50 Cent has yet to apportion props, and no mistake.
He also did a number called “Fuck New York”, complaining about ignorant American rappers coming over to Blighty and, like, selling records, or something. This is quite interesting if we take a look at Sway’s new video “Silver & Gold”, over which “Senagalese-American” shitsack Akon has splurged his fetid bleat-juice. Let’s have a gander:

Is that not one of the most dispiriting music videos you have ever optically imbibed? Sure, it’s shot in London, some of the money being dutifully thrown around might be dear old pounds sterling, and Sway gets in a few token UK references. But really it’s US market makeoversville round these parts, no?
I’m not coming at this from a nationalistic point of view – nowt against US music, as you’ll see if you take a looksie round this site’s archives. This bout of Akon puppeteering would be depressing wherever Sway came from, whether it was England or Timbuctu. And, really, I don’t want this piece to be a dig at Sway. I want it to be a dig at Akon.
There is barely one hot second of “Silver & Gold” – which is billed as being by “Sway (feat. Akon)”, remember – which does not feature Akon’s ubiquitous crowing. The song begins with Akon. It includes a hook sung by Akon.
Said hook features typically Akonesque lyrics about a cold-hearted female working a pole who will – shocker – take your money and turn you into a mess of a man, etc. Akon’s “oh”s and “ey”s are smeared all over Sway’s verses like excrement on a toddler’s potty. Akon hogs the screen while Sway kind of… sways. And claps.
Hang on a sec while I check who gets the last shot in the video.
Oh, OK. It’s Akon.
Now, I’m not going to begrudge Sway any success that comes as a result of signing to the label of a big US star. The guy’s been going a while without much commercial success, so good luck to him. He’s got to eat. He’s likely seen Wiley and Dizzee Rascal doing OK over the last year or two and would probably quite like a bit of mainstream recognish, thank you very much. Fair enough.
It’s just… Akon. Why did it have to be Akon? All you other US-based moguls, rappers and producers – whassamattawivya? Kanye, you like Mr Hudson nowadays, so you must have heard Sway cos he collaborated with him once. You’re not averse to UK talent. Hello? Dr Dre? Eminem? Pharrell? Anybody?
Oh well, let’s cross our fingers that this is Akon’s final appearance of 2009. He’s had a busy twelve months and must need a bit of a rest by now, poor lamb (-voiced bastard).
Some fucking hope.

Related Akon twattiness:
see Akon throwing a fan onto a woman’s head here.

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