Should Rihanna dump Chris Brown and go out with me instead?

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Now, hold on. I know that headline looks shockingly opportunistic given the fact nobody has yet been found guilty of anything following Rihanna’s alleged beating at the hands of R&B Chris, Chris Brown.
However, even before this alleged event I suspected the expressionless Barbadian beauty would be better off with me. It’s not rocket science, guys. Check out what I can offer after the jump, and VOTE IN MY POLL.

So, things I can offer Rihanna include, but are not limited to:
- The ability to cook at least four different dishes. The kitchen of my rented flat also includes a dishwasher
- As much positive blog coverage of herself as she desires, as well as plenty of negative blog coverage of Chris Brown
- A promise to remark on her slightly funny-shaped head only in the context that it is “cute”
- Free snuggles
- An umbrella under which she is welcome to shelter should she encounter stormy weather (whether literal or figurative)
- Excellent transport links to London’s West End
- “GSOH”
It’s a pretty impressive package, I think you’ll agree. Yes you will. YOU WILL.
OK, I suppose you’re entitled to your opinion. As such please cast it in my poll below. Just consider this: if we all work together I could end up with Rihanna as my girlfriend. Isn’t that something you want to see?

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