Radio argh-argh: Radio 1 makes me want to listen to Radio 2/drive off a cliff

I Don't Like Them As Much As I'm Supposed To

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Time for a lick of guest-blogging, don’t you think? This despairing little despatch is from Nik Johnson, who writes angryfunny things on the reglear at his site Shouting at Cows, and every darn day on Twitter.

So, Nik – what do you think of Radio 1?

I somewhat frequently blog about how I receive regular, wearying reminders that I’m getting old. This particular reminder has snuck up on me gradually over the last few months: I’ve just noticed that when I turn the radio on, I automatically switch to Radio 2, and not Radio 1.

As a child you’re hardwired to listen to Radio 1, mostly because your parents don’t like it and they play popular music. And when you’re a kid, that’s a good thing.

Nowadays, a regular commute to work sharing lifts with a Radio 1 devotee is on the verge of causing me serious mental health problems. It seems to me that forty-five minutes a day of Chris Moyles, and another forty-five minutes of Scott Mills (or Greg James when either of them are on holiday), is too much for even the most mild-mannered person to cope with.

Now, clearly Radio 1 – being a radio station – has to work within certain limitations. The most obvious being that everything has to be conveyed through speech, music or sound effects. There’s not much room for interpretative dance.

This doesn’t deter the DJs, however, as they assume everyone listening is sat in front of a computer or has a burning desire to rush to Radio 1′s online presence and check out the hilarious pictures of newsreader Dominic Byrne wearing a silly jacket.

We aren’t, and we don’t. We’re in a car. A car I wish was moving a lot more quickly. Towards the sea. Hilarious hi-jinx that rely on video will just have to wait for a version of the radio that comes along that has pictures as well. When will they invent that?

The presenters as a whole are a parade of witless morons, giggling their idiotic way through banal chat and irritating banter. The Chris Moyles show has no fewer than 7 people regularly talking, and between them they sound like they’d have problems buttoning up a shirt or spelling their names. Their idiotic conversations are a giggle-a-thon of hilarious “look how thick we are, we don’t even know where Stoke is”-style gurning.

Mills runs a daily “what happens next”-style quiz, and if the question is “how many…” and the answer is above 10, he runs out of fingers and can’t calculate the answer.

If any of the team are doing something even vaguely interesting in the real world – Chris Moyles climbing Kilimanjaro, or the “crew” doing a karaoke night in some shit-hole town – then there is week after week of hype building up to it, making the most of the opportunity to bang on and on about the same bloody thing until the existence of this momentous event has been sufficiently hammered home.

And afterwards, of course, it’s “hey, wasn’t last night hilarious????” accompanied by wanky in-jokes the like of which you’d expect from a bunch of idiot students.

Musically, the playlist is a repetitive churn of the same eight songs every day, forced down your throat until you accidentally catch yourself humming the latest Pink song and want to slit your wrists. Once it’s been in the charts for more than a couple of weeks, the song is forgotten about and never played again.

And that’s it – you’ll almost never hear a song more than a few weeks old and definitely not one that’s years old. Although amazingly, on Friday, Scott Mills plays a selection of old tracks and barely talks, and the whole thing is pretty good, or at least a cut above the usual dross.

Is it because I’m getting old and Radio 1 has stayed at the same level? Would I have laughed at the current crop if I were 10 again? It can’t always have been as toss as “Comedy” Dave and Mark Chapman (not the one who shot John Lennon, but I suspect he’d be more entertaining). Can there be a more degrading job than having to laugh at Scott Mills’ jokes for money? At least whores get to pick their own hours.

The answer is no, it hasn’t always been this bad. Lots of former presenters are now on Radio 2, notably Chris Evans and Steve Wright, and they’re still funny. And none of the current crop are a patch on the legends that were Mark and Lard, who have sadly split up and are now appearing on Radio 2

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  1. Kate says:

    I’m willing to put up with Chris Moyles and his band of slack jawed idiot friends on the condition that one day they cause some kind of disturbing, moron-induced scandal resulting in a spectacular firing [squad?].

    It’s going to be the happiest day of my life.

  2. [...] Radio argh-argh: Radio 1 makes me want to listen to Radio 2/drive off a cliff [...]

  3. Isabelle says:

    Stop!

    …Carry On.

    Pure genius.

  4. Susi says:

    I was thrilled to discover, whilst listening to the Chris Moyles show for the first time in five years yesterday, they’re still running the feature ‘Dave’s tedious links’. If they weren’t tedious in 2001, they sure as fuck are now.

  5. JESUS says:

    Hold on, i will go and fetch your slippers and walking sticks in a minute! !horseradish!

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