Glastonbury Festival 2009 as reviewed by text message

Can You Gig It?, Festival News

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You thought I was going to ignore Glastonbury festival, didn’t you? Can’t really blame you for thinking that way really, since it began nearly a week ago and ended a few days back with nary a mention round these parts.

Ah, but you didn’t know I had another every expense spared “solution” up my sleeve. That’s right, in another demonstration of the 21st 20th century’s remarkable technological advances, I arranged for a dedicated festivalgoer to provide reglear text message updates from Glastonbury.

It sounds outlandish, but it is actually possible nowadays. All you need are a mobile telephone and a thumb, really. What will they think of next?

So, following the similarly comprehensive recent review of Download festival spotted at this domain, let’s see how Nick Fleetwood got on at Glasto this weekend.

For beginnings, regardez the giddy optimism of the British festival fan, pre-event:

Music might not start for a day and a half but i’m in a car to glasto. We’re eager and ready! It feels like evergreen forest before burt raccoon wakes up…

Bless! Sadly it took but one more text to wipe out such bushy-tailed… ness?

It’s raining at glasto. I’m sad.

I’d love to say I was empathising with Nick at this point, but the truth is I was at work and felt very little sympathy at all. We humans are a cruel bunch of shits.

Before the next dispatch from the Glastonbury site, that King Of Pop bloke died. A world of music fans – nay, a world of humans - fell into shock. Vigils were prepared. Tributes were hastily scribbled for newspapers. Surely Glastonbury would be called off?

Fuck the rain. It’s abba sing along time with bjorn again. I’m going to enjoy this while being ironic!

?! Nick, Nick, Nick – MICHAEL JACKSON DIED. Did this development have no effect on the crusty, dreadlocked bubble in which you were frolicking with fake Swedes??

At three am the shout echoed round the campsite that michael had died. We’re expecting lots of covers in his memory – neil young doing bad will be the highlight of the festival.

Can anyone confirm that Neil Young did in fact do a cover of “Bad”? I would pay good – or “Bad” LOL! – money to see that.

While I await such audiovisual gold, here’s EXCLUSIVE (not really exclusive) news of the first (probably not the first) Michael Jackson cover to occur at Glasto:

The first michael jackson tribute comes from… The whip.

What song did they play, Nick?


Dancing queen was ace but it pissed down during bjorn again’s set. Cider makes things better.

You know, I think Abba are always going to trump MJ in Nick’s pecking order.

A bit later on Friday, and the cider – and The Maccabees – had cheered Nick right up:

The Maccabees have brought the sun out. Everyone’s cheered up. For this we love them. Toothpaste kisses indeed!

glastonbury_brothersHere I think Nick is attempting to convince us that people at Glastonbury adhere to conventional rules of personal hygeine. I reckon “Brothers Pear Cider And Herbal Speed Kisses” might be more appropriate, but I don’t think that song’s been recorded yet. Maybe Mike Skinner’s done it, I dunno.

The rest of the day was clearly spent in a haze of funtimes, because the next update didn’t shuffle into my inbox until the following day:

Some updates from yesterday: friendly fires – brilliant samba, specials – legends did not disappoint. Bloc party – energetic. Watching metric in the sun next.

At this point I really must give Nick at least three props for his attention to spelling. You’ll notice there hasn’t been one mistake yet.

Metric are mint! And the sun’s shining! Double brilliant.

It was starting to look, after a slightly damp and death-overshadowed beginning, like this Glasto was going to be one for the ages. What next?

Oh bruce. This could be very fucking special. Badlands!

Yes, Bruce Springsteen was still to come! I’ve never seen Bruce live, and despite not being his biggest fan it’s something I would like to do someday. So I was very interested to hear whether The Boss could engage a crowd of off-their-bonce Brits in a field.

Update from bruce. turns out eavis’s dvd about glasto didn’t include a line saying headline sets should include your hits spread out a bit for the general public. The boss was a bit of a bore. Kasabian were brilliant.

It pains me to type that, readership. “Kasabian were brilliant.” Yup, hurts just as much the second time. But the critical tide does seem to be turning begrudgingly in their favour, so maybe I should, like, listen to their album. ANYWAY. I bet if Bruce had done “Dancing In The Dark” he’d have stormed it, so it’s disappointing to hear he went all dullsville on the asses of those assembled.

From perceived lump-rock to a pair of parent-faves next:

Madness – baggy trousers. Genius. After Tom Jones too. Only problem was the sixty year old doing the full monty to you can leave your hat on.

Aieeeeee! I assume that wasn’t Sir Thomas himself doing a spot of strippage from the stage? Nah, he’s 85 at least.

Whoever it was, it may very well have been the last thing Nick saw, for I heard no subsequent updates. There’s a possibility he decided to save his battery so he could speak to his wife, which would signal a disappointing lack of commitment to the festival cause.

As with my previous festival correspondent, I’ll remain cautiously optimistic that he isn’t lying motionless in a puddle of effluent somewhere. Thanks Nick!

[Wellie pic: nualabugeye on Flickr]

[Brothers bar pic: Brothers Cider on Flickr]

One comment

  1. I wanna go for next year, I am sad I missed it this year.

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