Sonic Stereotypes – Too Kool F'Skool Indie Wallflower

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wallflower.jpgGo into any indie club on a weekend, or a Thursday night even, and you’ll be bombarded with more Sonic Stereotypes than you can shake a stick fulla ‘tude at. You’ll get B-Siders and the more extreme version, the Indie Wallflower. Now, the Indie Wallflower isn’t just some kid who is too shy to dance and talk to girls. This cat thinks he’s too cool for all that. He’s a bit distant. He’s a bit mysterious. He’s pissed on cider and is dying for you to approach him.
Yup. These deadbeats can be found hanging around a wall looking a bit bored and disinterested because, like, this ain’t a patch on that guerrilla gig that was in the middle of another guerrilla gig that I went to. Like, this place is such a drag. His nonchalant nature gives an air of opium dens and going back to his for interesting and seedy sex and poetry. The reality of it is a fumble in a car park behind the club because he can’t take y’home as he’ll wake his mum up… and she has to work at the council chambers early tomorrow.

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Sonic Stereotypes – Talkers

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teeeef.jpgAre you one of those people that likes to talk throughout a gig? Then sorry, you don’t deserve to live. When I think of all the times I’ve been to watch a band, every single memory is sullied by the recalling of a buncha cackling idiots yelling toward each other. Think of the places for a chat. Pub. Front room. Restaurant. Street corner. Telephone. JUST DON’T F****** DO IT AT A GIG, RIGHT? Sadly, these brain donors don’t grasp the fact that, because the music is so loud at gigs, they have to up their volume to talk. The louder the band, the louder the moron.

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Sonic Stereotypes – The Critic

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critic.jpgEveryone is at the party man! Everyone is having fun! One gal, dancing in the corner isn’t really into the tunes but she’s into getting drunk and having a bit of a dance with her mates. Those kids over there… they’re having a ball! Wasted, dancing to generic third rate indie crap… and loving it! These are the people who will get the girls. The one person who won’t is sat in the corner, drinking to deal with everything. Jeez. Nothing is good enough for him… man… he tried to put on some obscure Egyptian prog on before but we soon dealt with that.
Yep. We all know a Critic (or in my case, I just look in the mirror at my long face). No band or DJ is ever gonna cut it. Obsessive about styles of music that barely exist and long for a glorious time when pop was cutting edge and people wore their clothes with real panache. Of course, this time didn’t really exist either. The Critic knows this, but will never let on. “Jeez… stop listening to that crap… the MC5 is where it’s at…”

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Sonic Stereotypes – The injured rocker

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moshitup.jpgWhy it is it that, when you go to a gig, you always spot something that reminds you that you could break your leg? So many times, I’ve been to gigs, gettin’ down and lost in the moment when, suddenly obscuring your view, is a pair of crutches being hoisted aloft. Wha…?! Hang on a minute! I can definitely see two crutches there. If this person has a broken leg, what’s keeping him upright? It must be that heady and potent brew of too-much lager and the spirit of rock ‘n’ roll!

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Sonic Stereotypes – The IDM fanboy

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IDM%20geek.jpgJust scraped through A-Level Biology, smoked weed through uni, bought some web designer Joe90 specs and spend all your time on Soulseek downloading the next Venetian Snares? You are an IDM fanboy. IDM fans (all blokes, as women like to shake it – and you can’t shake it to IDM), are all fiercely proud of their choice of computer (be it Windows or Mac) and spend time kicking up stinks on tech forums whilst listening to ferocious electronica which, like feeding hot bolts to a pit-bull terrier, only fuels their ire. Of course, to do it in real life is another matter… you’d have to leave the house, for one thing.

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Sonic Stereotypes – The ridiculous raver

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protected-raver.jpgWe’ve all seen ‘em. You’re at a club or a house party and everyone is having a gay old time… and then, about 3am, post other party, some moron turns up full of Es hopping around acting all… wacky. While the rest of the room sinks into a funk of too much booze and tiredness, these dummy sucking blockheads charge around asking if anyone has any roaching material and sticking 3000mph cartoon rave music on the stereo.
Worse still, these nocturnal jesters regale you with tales of being in Pacha, coming up on the most amazing Es whilst Carl Cox played some bangin’ chooons on three decks with a live didgeridoo … oh mate, it was sweet… it was well lush… it was quality mate… it was… a quick slap across the mouth should stall them while you make a hasty getaway. In short, these dummy sucking dimwits chase their tails around and around never quite making real friends, which leads them off to Thailand in an attempt to ‘find themselves’. Avoid these people at all costs.

Sonic Stereotypes: The B-sider

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bsider.jpgWe’ve all seen a B-sider. You may not have given them a name yet, but you’ve seen one. Go to any gig and get down the front and you’ll find a myriad of B-siders, all clutching their hearts and singing ALL the words to ALL the songs… especially the B-sides.
These people are usually girls who are desperate to show everyone else just how much they like their band of choice. So much so that they know ALL the words to EVERY SINGLE B-SIDE. When faced with a more famous single, they simply smile, safe in the knowledge that it was a far better song when it was released on that 500-only run of pink vinyl.

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Sonic Stereotypes – The Record Spod

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recordspod.jpgGo into any record shop on a weekday and you’ll find The Record Spod. The Spod knows everything about his chosen love, be it Genesis, New Order or the works of Warren Zevon. To buy records by said artists simply isn’t enough. Eyeball touching sleeve, they squint with blinking mole eyes (a result of spending too long in darkened rooms leafing through old copies of Record Collector) to see if the LP they hold is that release with the slight misprint on the serial number. If it is, they’ll thrill at how this is one of only eight copies of the (financially) worthless record in existence.

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