My Chemical Toilet’s Worst 15 Christmas Songs: Number 1 – Cliff Richard: “The Millennium Prayer”

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cliff.gifCliff, who funnily enough also featured in the song which began this countdown, didn’t actually make it to the Christmas number one spot with this beast – he was beaten to it by Westlife. But no matter, he made it the next week, and that means – to me at least – that it qualifies as a Christmas song. Which means I am allowed to bestow upon it the title of WORST PIECE OF SHIT CHRISTMAS NONSENSE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF SEASONAL RUBBISH POO.
Of course, Cliff has much form in the Christmas song field. But, as nauseating as they were, at least the likes of “Mistletoe and Wine” and “Saviour’s Day” were original compositions which brought to mind mince pies and bad jumpers, which is what Christmas means to most folk.
Basically just the Lord’s Prayer set to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”, “Millennium Prayer” was weird in that it had possibly the cheapest, naffest video ever to hit number one. In case you were in any doubt that the song is about love and peace and all that, the video features WAR and FAMINE and DISASTER, because… Um, why is that, anyway?

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My Chemical Toilet’s Worst 15 Christmas Songs – Number 2: Newsong – “The Christmas Shoes”

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xmasshoes.gif“This song and video makes me want to punch an infant.”
So says a YouTube commenter of this song. I’m glad they did, because it saves me from having to express a similar sentiment, the result of which would almost certainly be me shooting straight down to hell with no eggnog.
I mean, flipping heck. This one pulls out all the stops. Following yesterday’s jolly little ode to death, this one amps up the tearjerkiness to 11 by incorporating the death of a parent, the grief of a child and the efforts of said nipper to buy his mum one last gift before the Grim Reaper carts her off. Merry Christmas!
Now, depending on whether you’re a granite-hearted cynic (hi!) or the kind of person who tunes into Animal Hospital for a good weep, this song will either touch your heart or boil your blood. You can see the appropriately mushy video over the page.

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My Chemical Toilet’s Worst 15 Christmas Songs: Number 3 – Dr. Elmo: “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”

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hearse.gifGrandma didn’t just get run over, either. She died. Yes, it’s that traditional theme for a Christmas song – death of a loved one. But fear not. Despite the family matriarch being found on Christmas morning with “hoof-prints on her forehead” (yes, that’s in the lyrics), this song is rather a jolly little number.
This happy-go-lucky approach to kicking the bucket is emphasised by the video, in which Grandpa the widower can be seen whooping it up with some floozy while everyone else ponders whether to open Granny’s Christmas presents. What a clan.

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My Chemical Toilet’s Worst 15 Christmas Songs: Number 4 – Johnny Mathis: “When A Child Is Born”

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johnnymathis.gifI do love reading YouTube comments. You get a real insight into human nature and, sometimes, some guidance as to how to make the world a better place. On that subject, check out this gem, posted on the page for Johnny Mathis’ Christmas crudfest:
“It’s a peaceful song. If it was played more there’d be a lot less trouble in the world.”
Let me tell you something. I can guarantee you that the opposite would be true. The reasons for this you will find over the page.

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My Chemical Toilet’s Top 15 Worst Christmas Songs: Number 5 – Slade: “Merry Christmas Everybody”

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OK, I know loads of people like this song, but please bear with me. There’s something about the repetition of Christmas songs that really annoys me. Every year, the same songs. You’ve heard them so many times that you can’t even evaluate them as pieces of music anymore. I know, I know, I’m taking it all too seriously.
To me, the melody of Slade’s “classic” is a bit too grim to for a Christmas song. Even the “everybody’s having fun” bit – substitute it for, say, “and I’m gonna shoot you dead”, and it fits just as well (if not better). I am quite aware that I am the only person in the Christmasverse who feels this way. Which makes it all the worse.

[video provided by maribel62]

My Chemical Toilet’s Top 15 Worst Christmas Songs: Number 6 – Boney M: “Mary’s Boy Child”

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boneym.gif
OK, let me just say that our image library says that the above picture is of Boney M, but I’ll leave you to check out the video over the page and see if you can spot any of the same people in it. I think we may be talking about wholesale singer replacement here.
Afros with partings look kind of weird, don’t they? So do floating faces and hands, which is kind of how the video looks like at times, thanks to the white cloak things against white backdrop. A braver man than I once made a joke about how nobody ever sees black ghosts; this video gives an idea of how it would look if you did.

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My Chemical Toilet’s Worst 15 Christmas Songs: Number 7 – Kenny G: “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”

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kennyg.jpgNo 90s comedy routine was complete without a pop at sax-murderer Kenny G. I seem to remember Bill Clinton giving him his seal of approval, which probably meant most people (OK, I) then imagined Kenny’s saxual tones playing over Oval Office rumpo sessions with interns. Ew.
I could havs picked any one of the G-man’s Christmas crimes really, but this one will do the trick nicely. It turns a lovely little Crimbo ditty into something reminiscent of a “steamy” love scene from an 80s TV movie.

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My Chemical Toilet’s Worst 15 Christmas Songs: Number 8 – Trans-Siberian Orchestra: “Christmas Canon Rock”

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trans_orch_cover.gifWhat’s your position on beginning and ending a Christmas song with a ponderous, noodle-y guitar solo? I’ll tell you mine – NO. I have a similar view of “symphonic metal” in general (that’s what this stuff is called, apparently).
This is music for people who buy one album a year, and even then it’s only because they’ve got tickets to the live show four months down the line. On Christmas Eve. What do you do at these kind of shows, anyway? Kind of just stand / sit and just do a mid-paced nod for ninety minutes?
See just how wretched it is after the clickage.

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My Chemical Toilet’s Worst 15 Christmas Songs: Number 9 – Celine Dion, Gloria Estefan & Charlotte Church: “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)”

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cchurch.gifFrom the moment the kiddie choir kicks in, you know you’re in big trouble.
It’s a shame that they got Charlotte Church in on this during the sixteen-year period in which she was not remotely interesting, other than for being an over-talented, over-achieving little girl. Now if Chazza had crashed this party during her booze n’ fags years, then we’d be talking.
Anyway, to sum this little beauty up : It’s Celine Dion. It’s Gloria Estefan. It’s a young Charlotte Church in the days when she made that weird shape with her mouth every time she opened it. It’s one of the most annoying Christmas compositions (with the annoying “Xmas” spelling, to boot). It’s got a horrible beat.
I need a bath.

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My Chemical Toilet’s Worst 15 Christmas Songs: No.10 – Some mawkish nonsense from Amy Grant

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amygrant.gif
Yeah, I don’t even know what this song is called – but it’s a doozy.
If I was to admit that I had a bit of a crush on Amy Grant circa “Baby Baby”, it would a) virtually mark me out as some kind of nun-fancier, and b) reveal that I’m old enough to remember said record. So I certainly won’t be doing that.
“No more lives torn apart, then no more wars would start,” reckons Amy. Surely she’s got the cause and effect a little muddled up there? But then I guess if you take into account America’s foreign policy over the last- Um, sorry, thought I was on The Huffington Post there for a moment.
Anyway, as we’re into the top 10, you can take it as read that if you make it through all three minutes and forty seconds of the gloop over the page you deserve an extended bout of misteltoe action from a nun this Crimbo.

What do you think of the list so far? Vote for your (least) favourite of our selections over at Polls Boutique!

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