My Chemical Toilet’s Worst 15 Christmas Songs: No.11 – Gayla Peevey: “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas”

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hippo.gifWhat on earth did they do to kids’ voices in the 50s? Listen to this bizarre thing. I *think* it’s a little girl singing, but at certain points it could just as easily be a grown woman or a helium-huffing chipmunk. And when you factor in the lyrics, which include talk of massaging a hippopotamus, the whole becomes just a leetle too unsettling.
We’ve still not even cracked the Top 10 and I’m losing the will to live. Check back next week when we continue the countdown of the most offensive Christmas earaches in Christmasdom.

[video provided by asdsweetheart]

My Chemical Toilet’s 15 Worst Christmas Songs: No.12 – Carnie & Wendy Wilson: “Hey Santa”

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wilsonsisters.gifLook! It’s Wilson Phillips minus the only thing that ever made Wilson Phillips bearable – Chynna Phillips! I kid, I kid, “Hold On” would have been brilliant whoever sang it (yes, I’m allowed to say that – haven’t you seen that scene in Harold & Kumar?).
Anyway, “Hey Santa”. Or “Hey Sannah”, if, like the Wilsons, you speak Californian. These are Brian Wilson’s children, remember, so if you find the tune getting stuck in your head that will be why. It might actually be a decent song, and the video is just blinding me to the truth – because the video, make no mistake, is an exercise in pure twee wackiness. And, um, violence – check out the bit where a guy decapitates a snowman with a broom. Nasty.
And what’s with the smoke coming out of Sannah’s saxaphone? Is that a crack-sax Saint Nick is puffing on??

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My Chemical Toilet’s Worst 15 Christmas Songs: No. 13 – Los Del Rio: “Macarena Christmas”

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losdelrio.gifThe thing with Macarena was that it was never quite annoying enough, right?
*Cough*
*Splutter*

They made it worse! How could they make it worse?! To an extent you have to admire the bald-faced cynicism behind this Christmas cash-in. Sure, it’s tackier than those houses you see covered roof to garage in Christmas lights, but kerching!!
As with N*Sync’s entry on our chart there is an obvious nod to ethnic diversity, which is noughties’ artists way of referencing peace on earth and all that guff without actually letting it sully the lyrical content. Yeah, did you not know that “Macarena” is actually a searing treatise on the human condition? You need to get your Spanish dictionary out.
Experience the offending article after the clickage. No.12 will be up tomorrow…

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My Chemical Toilet’s Worst 15 Christmas Songs: No. 14 – N*Sync: “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays”

Music News, Pop Heaven / Pop Hell, Top 15 Worst Christmas Songs, Video

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nsync.gif
Gary Coleman of Diff’rent Strokes is in the first few seconds of this. It’s downhill at a vertiginous rate thereafter. It is an upbeat number though, so at least the lack of balladry puts a limit on the kind of “soulful” bellowing one comes to expect at this time of year. No mean feat considering the lyrics include the gem “God sends you his love”.
Other points of note: there’s a pleasing amount of ethnic diversity. Also, “green screen” technology has probably never been used to such utterly vomitational effect. Also, Justin Timberlake’s hair looks like it’s made of some kind of cheese pasta. This is probably one of the reasons why Britney never wanted to admit doing sex on him.
Embedding has been disabled for the health of your eyes, so if you want to experience Justin’s pre-Timbaland yuletide nightmare click hyaar.

My Chemical Toilet’s Top 15 Worst Christmas Songs

Music News, Pop Heaven / Pop Hell, Top 15 Worst Christmas Songs, Video

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grinch.gifThe Christmas No.1 single, in Britain at least, is one of the most mystifyingly coveted spots for recording artists. They will do anything – ANYTHING – to secure it, mostly by tugging at your heartstrings. They’ll duet with old codgers. They’ll go on about the war. They’ll employ tiresome puns in song titles. Then non-musicians get involved, and it all really turns to shit. Men in pink rubber costumes. Bloody animated builders. It’s almost enough to make you vomit into your crimblus stocking.
Well, there’s a whole world of Christmas awfulness out there, readers, and it’s only fair that you know about it. Therefore, here at My Chemical Toilet we’re going to be counting down the fifteen worst examples of seasonal crap that I could find before suicide became a viable way out. One a day, every (week) day. I had to research this and I’m still alive, so I know you can make it through as well.
I went further afield than your bog standard Power Rangers hits though – quite a few of these pieces of aural excrement may be new to you. This will not make them any more bearable, but whatcha gonna do? As a special treat for enduring these horrors, we’ll be putting up a playlist of good (OK, half-decent) Christmas tunes nearer the big day.
Click over for Number 15, and check back every day to see how bad Christmas music can really get…

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