Top 5 lyrical crimes committed on the dancefloor

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dancefloor

The dancefloor is traditionally a place of joy, somewhere we can all forget the stresses and strains of everyday life by flailing our limbs rhythmically alongside friends and/or people we are keen to sex on.

However, over the years numerous pop songs have detailed disturbing events to have taken place on the dancefloor. Arson, indecent exposure – even bloody murder – have all occurred, calling into question the security arrangements at the nitespots in question and almost certainly ruining many people’s nights out.

These are the top five lyrical crimes committed on the dancefloor.

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Top 5 inappropriate kids’ versions of Flo Rida’s “Low”

AlternaVids, Top 5s / Top 10s, Video

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When I was a child I used to sing along to records of Disney movie soundtracks. I remember when George Michael’s “I Want Your Sex” was deemed too risqu

10 songs not to sing in the shower if there's a killer stalking you

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Bathroom Killer Shower SceneThere’s nothing worse than showering away, soaping up your breasts and/or balls, only to discover a killer is lurking just the other side of the shower curtain. Worranitemare! And don’t you find this kind of shit tends to happen when you’re singing a song that virtually begs them to dagger you up?

To help you avoid such an embarrassing fate, here’s a handy list of songs never to sing/listen to in the shower if a horrid knifey killer has been threatening to stab the shit out of you.

Des’ree – “Life”

You might be having the bestest day of all your days on earth, but if you start belting out the inappropriately life-affirming “Life” while lathering up your locks, you’re almost guaranteed to find a blade resting somewhere about your organs by the time you reach that appalling “ghost/most/toast” rhyme.
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What modern-day pop memorabilia will end up being flogged by Christie's?

Music News, Top 5s / Top 10s

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pimp_cup.jpgDid you hear? With your ear? Christie’s, the people who sell things for people (what a lark – I could do that) are going to hold an auction later this month to flog a bunch of old punk tat for the first time in its history.
This headline makes it sound much more interesting than it actually is, with posters and the like making up most of the swag – but let’s not let that get in the way of the chance to ask: what tat belonging to noughties music types will Christie’s be selling in twenty or thirty or howevermany years?

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21 British women who should have had US No.1 singles before Leona Lewis

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leona-lewis.gifSo Leona Lewis has done it, and reached number one in America. And good on her. She’s undoubtedly a big talent, and could hardly afford to fail with the amount of dosh invested in her success.
But isn’t it remarkable – nay, criminal- that she’s the first UK female to achieve the feat of a number one single Stateside for 21 years (Kim Wilde was the last, in 1987)? Yes, yes it is, is the answer.
With that thought of pure fact ricocheting around your brain like some kind of truth bullet, read over for (deep breath) 21 WOMEN WHO SHOULD HAVE HAD NUMBER ONE SINGLES IN AMERICA BETWEEN 1987 AND 2008 JUST LIKE THE TITLE OF THIS PIECE SUGGESTS.

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Blender Magazine's list of record company mistakes – who chose the Tremeloes over The Beatles?

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macca.gifBlender.com sure does like its lists. In the past the site has tackled the 50 Worst Songs Ever, Rock Stars Who’ve Caught Fire Onstage, the 50 Craziest Pop Stars Ever… and now they’ve drawn up a pretty interesting list of the 20 Biggest Record Company Screw-Ups of All Time.
Included in the list:
- Geffen’s ongoing faith that Axl Rose is ever going to be done producing Chinese Democracy; an estimated $13 million has been spent on the project so far
- MCA investing $2.2 million in Irish singer Carly Hennessy, whose debut album sold 378 copies in its first three months on release
- Columbia letting pre-fame 50 Cent and Alicia Keys go
- Decca signing the Tremeloes but passing on The Beatles
Head here to see the full list; and head here to see the list of listy lists that Blender have listed.

"Greatest Duets List" scandalously omits Paula Abdul and her cartoon pussy

Gone To The Blogs, Music News, Top 5s / Top 10s

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rogersparton.gif
What’s you favourite duet? Mine is “Opposites Attract”, by Paula Abdul and MC Scat Cat. For some hellish reason, this number does not show up on RetroCrush’s otherwise very impressive collection of The 25 Greatest Duets Of All Time.
So what will you find on the list? It’s a wide-ranging one, for sure. Nestling next to Neil Diamond & Barbara Streisand you’ll find John Lydon & Afrika Bambaataa, for instance. Now there’s a supergroup I’d like to see. And obviously you’ll find Dolly and Kenny – pictured above at their post-fight press conference – in there as well.
RetroCrush have very kindly provided videos for each and every song they cover, so you could pretty much spend the rest of the day on there if you have nothing better to do. But when you’re done, do check out Abdul & Scat Cat. She don’t like cigarettes but he likes to smoke, you know.
[via Pop Candy]

Ten Things We Learned From The Brits 2008 That We Already Knew

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cheekymonkeys.gif
1. Having the biggest-selling pop single of the year is no guarantee of Brits success, as Leona Lewis discovered
2. Having the best pop single of the year is no guarantee of Brits success, as Rihanna discovered
3. If you open the voting for Best Single to the great unwashed, Housewives’ Choice will win, as Take That discovered
4. You don’t need to be particularly British, or a singer, or a proper solo artist, or make an album of original material to win Best British male, as Mark Ronson discovered

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Ten of the worst decisions in the history of The Grammys

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Big Fucking GrammyThis Sunday sees the annual Grammy Awards ceremony in Los Angeles. The following day will see music fans (and possibly snubbed nominees) moaning and whining about how old-fashioned and out-of-touch the awards are. This is the accepted cycle for many music awards shows, but none inspire wrath and bemusement quite as effectively as the Grammys – probably because, despite everything, winning one is still seen as the pinnacle of an artist’s career.

I remember I used to really root for any British acts nominated for a Grammy, especially in the 90s, when UK music had an even tougher time breaking the US than it does now. Nowadays I attach very little importance to any awards, but especially not the Grammys.

You just have to look at some of the nominations for this year’s awards to get some idea of how bizarrely wrong-headed the whole deal is.

Feist is up for Best New Artist – for her third solo album. And when you think of 2007′s Best Male Pop artist, who springs to mind? No offence to the Sir – but for me, it ain’t Paul McCartney. How about Album Of The Year?

Would you place offerings from Herbie Hancock and Vince Gill amongst the contenders? What do you mean you haven’t heard (of) them?! Even the unstoppable Kanye West’s eight nominations look a bit odd – Graduation is his weakest album to date, no?

To be fair the Alternative and Dance categories have some decent acts – Lily Allen, The Shins, White Stripes, Bjork, Justice, Chemical Brothers and LCD Soundsystem are as close as you’ll get to cutting edge at this year’s Grammys.

Anyway, to get you in the mood for Sunday’s 2008 wrongfest, let’s have a little run-through some of the most bewildering decisions made at the Grammys over the years. Click through for ten reasons to lower your expectations…

2007: Justin Timberlake is beaten to Best Pop Vocal Album by crashing AOR bore John Mayer. John Mayer proceeds to not bring any kind of sexy back.

2004: “Toxic” by Britney Spears – a great pop song but not exactly a club banger – takes the award for Best Dance Recording. Chemical Brothers and Basement Jaxx consider hiring Cathy Dennis for their next albums.

A Dan Shame2001: Ancient jazz-twangers Steely Dan’s album Two Against Nature is deemed to be better than Eminem’s scary yet thrilling The Marshall Mathers LP. Jazz-fusion battles do not entrance the youth of Detroit as a result.
Cheer Up Kurt!1993: As grunge “delights” mopey teenagers the world over, Nirvana and Pearl Jam face off for Best Rock Song with “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and “Jeremy” respectively. Turns out they just needed to do an acoustic cover of one of their own songs to win. Eric Clapton’s victory, with an Unplugged cut of “Layla”, leaves Gen X feeling even more sorry for itself.

1992: George Michael, Seal and Bryan Adams are locked into a three-way beigefest for Best Pop Vocal Performance, little reckoning that Michael Bolton’s “When A Man Loves A Woman” will dash all their hopes to hell. But it does.

1991: The creator of that horrible “Walking In Memphis” song, Mark Cohn, wins Best New Artist at the expense of – among others – Seal. Shut Up And Dance’s “Raving I’m Raving”, which samples the piano motif and applies it masterfully to hardcore rave, is released the following year. It receives nothing. NOTHING.

1990: Milli Vanilli take the Best New Artist award, beating Neneh Cherry, Soul II Soul, Tone-Loc and Indigo Girls. When they’re subsequently busted and stripped of their trophy for lip-syncing, the award is erased from the records with Stalinist ruthlessness. Did they chuck the trophy in the bin? Melt it down? Why not just give it to Neneh? :(
Enter Sadman

1989: The Grammys folk finally face up to the fact that this Hard Rock / Metal stuff isn’t going away, and create an award for it. Then, in its inaugural year, they overlook Metallica, Jane’s Addiction and Iggy Pop and give it to weirdy-beardy folkies Jethro Tull. Oopsy!

1981: Christopher Cross – of “Arthur’s Theme” fame – wins five awards including Album Of The Year, Song Of The Year, Best New Artist and Record Of The Year. Nobody else has ever matched this combo at the Grammys. It could be said that by effectively disappearing for the next 27 years, Cross failed to live up to his early promise.

1976:The Best Pop Vocal Group nominees for this year include Queen for “Bohemian Rhapsody” – one of the most daring and innovative songs in the history of popular music, which will in subsequent years be voted best song ever in numerous polls. However, it is no match for Chicago’s marshmallow heartmelter “If You Leave Me Now”.

Do you think the Grammy Awards are relevant in 2008? Vote on our poll at Polls Boutique.

The best of 2007 according to Pitchfork, Stereogum, Rolling Stone

Gone To The Blogs, Music News, Top 5s / Top 10s

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arcadefire.gifPeople say that porn makes up like a gazillion percent of the traffic on this dear old internet of ours, but I reckon end-of-year music blog lists must run it pretty close. I’m not complaining – if stuff passes you by during the year, Christmas can be a good time to catch up on what you’ve missed, since you can be sure there are plenty of spods out there willing to tell you what you should have been listening to.
Pitchfork is still the biggie, really. As usual, they’ve got a juicy Top 100 Tracks Of 2007 list for you to wade through, along with links to places you can hear said tunes. I spent an unnatural time on their list last year, and will probably do the same this.

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