There’s nothing worse than showering away, soaping up your breasts and/or balls, only to discover a killer is lurking just the other side of the shower curtain. Worranitemare! And don’t you find this kind of shit tends to happen when you’re singing a song that virtually begs them to dagger you up?

To help you avoid such an embarrassing fate, here’s a handy list of songs never to sing/listen to in the shower if a horrid knifey killer has been threatening to stab the shit out of you.

Des’ree - “Life”

You might be having the bestest day of all your days on earth, but if you start belting out the inappropriately life-affirming “Life” while lathering up your locks, you’re almost guaranteed to find a blade resting somewhere about your organs by the time you reach that appalling “ghost/most/toast” rhyme.

Christina Aguilera - “Beautiful”

If you insist on warbling away about how you’re beautiful, no matter what they say, any killer worth his/her salt will take this as a sign to plunge a machete into your face. Trust me, I’ve been there. It stings.

Grizzly Bear - “Knife”

“Aaaaaowwwwwwa-ow-wowwwww,” croon the Bear, lovelyly. Ah, but could that loveliliness not suddenly resemble the sound of someone being repeatedly shanked with a shining blade? Where’s the lovely then? It’s meandering its way down the plugole - and it’s not lovely, it’s BLOOD. The rule: no songs featuring the word “knife”. And no songs by bands named after dangerous wild animals either, just to be safe.

Pat Benatar - “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”

Come on. This is just asking for trubs.

Rockwell - “Somebody’s Watching Me”

Look, next time you’re rinsing out your conditioner think of this song as the equivalent of saying the Candyman’s name in front of the mirror. If you start singing about someone watching you, SOMEONE IS GOING TO BE WATCHING YOU. And if they’re watching you shower, the chances are they’re also going to be polishing a blade or a part of their anatomy while they do it. Possibly both. They might even be polishing a blade with a part of their anatomy. Whatever, the outcome doesn’t look too good. So just stick to “Singin’ In The Rain” or something and save us all a horrific local news story.

Queen - “Who Wants To Live Forever”

You might be feeling a bit frownyface for some reason, but don’t go tempting fate to this extent. If the person waiting to bring about your demise is having any second thoughts about offing you, cheekily belting this out is like showing them the green light to go slashcrazy. Likewise any songs hinting at your own immortality (e.g. “Live Forever” by Oasis).

Bobby McFerrin - “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”

If a movie director hasn’t used this to soundtrack a ghastly murder scene yet I would be quite surprised. Its whistled melody is so irritatingly chirpy that it just begs to be used to provide jarring contrast for a dismemberment scene à la “Stuck In The Middle With You” in Resevoir Dogs. And if you tootle it in the shower while someone’s after you, pretty soon that whistling will be replaced by the sirens of ambulances hammering their way to your residence. Then you’ll be blamed for waking the neighbours, as well as dead.

The Wannadies - “You And Me Song”

You’re in a brand new love affair, and everything is going swimmingly. He has clean fingernails and doesn’t mind snuggling down to watch Grey’s Anatomy. She’s always on time and never asks you what you’re thinking. Perfect. But you had to go and start singing about it as you applied facial scrub, didn’t you? “You and me, always, and forever”? And by an act called The Wannadies? I hope you included your other half in your will.

Culture Club - “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?”

It’ll be all your murderer can do not to chuckle “Yes! Yes I do!” before chopping your mouth off. Don’t risk it.

Otis Redding - “Pain In My Heart”

Before you started up with this Otis classic your blade-wielding maniac was happy just to slash at your flesh indiscriminately. But what’s he/she supposed to do if you suddenly decide to stretch your lungs to a song called “Pain In My Heart?” Not stab you in the aorta?

So there you go. There are many other songs to avoid, but hopefully this list gives an outline of the kind of tunes to steer clear of singing in the shower when you’re being stalked by a lunatic. But hey, if you’re feeling lucky here’s a Spotify playlist with the above ten and several more you definitely shouldn’t croon as you shampoo.

Go ahead and stick them on as your next shower soundtrack. I dare you.

Possibly related:

1. Forwarding Fodder - A bloke shows us how to sing like T-Pain

2. The Pocket Shower allows you to go to festivals and actually *wash*

3. Arctic Monkeys sing Diamonds Are Forever at Glastonbury 2007

4. As more Beatles songs are licensed for advertising, which UK ad campaigns could they soundtrack?

5. Sebastien Tellier to sing Eurovision entry in French

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Posted by Stuart Waterman on Tuesday April 14th, 2009 at 11:00 am