A letter of complaint to R. Kelly regarding "The World's Greatest"'s lyrics

Open Letters

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r_kellyDear Mr Kelly,

I wish to complain in the strongest terms about the advice you dispense in your paean to self-belief, “The World’s Greatest”.

“If anybody asks you who I am,” begins the chorus. Presumably you mean “if anybody asks you who you are”, because not once has a person approached me and enquired, “I say, do you know who R. Kelly is?”

Everyone knows who you are, Mr Kelly. We’ve all seen the pictures.

Assuming your advice is therefore aimed at me, the listener, I must inform you that it is spectacularly poorly-judged:

If anybody asks you who I am
Just stand up tall
Look ’em in the face and say
I’m that star up in the sky
I’m that mountain peak up high

I took your advice for a little while, Mr Kelly, and I am here to tell you that you are no Tony Robbins. No sir. You are no Claire Rayner. You are not fit to wipe your anus with Mariella Frostrup’s Dear Mariella column from The Observer. No siree bobbykins.
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An open letter to "Electric Feel" by MGMT

Open Letters, Up-And-Coming Acts, Video

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pen.gifDear “Electric Feel” by MGMT,
You don’t know me. But I know you. I know you very well indeed, having listened to you repeatedly this past weekend. I have to say, your woozy psychedelic funk is proving quite appealing to me. The way that-
Oh to hell with it. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. Please don’t be scared.
I have listened to you before two consecutive nights out. I have listened to you as I drift off to sleep. I have listened to you first thing in the morning. I have listened to you in the shower. I have listened to you sober. I have listened to you drunk. I have listened to you hungover. I have listened to you on a packed tube train. I have listened to you on a deserted bus. I have listened to you as I have walked along ignoring people trying to give me leaflets and things. You are yet to let me down.
I can only hope this familiarity does not breed contempt, on either of our parts.

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An open letter to anyone who spent the week after Christmas downloading Leon Jackson's "When You Believe" onto their new MP3 player

Open Letters, Pop Heaven / Pop Hell

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I mean, REALLY?
According to The Guardian, “almost three million tracks were downloaded in the UK in the week between Christmas and the New Year”, with L-Jack’s pooey little mouth-dribble proving the most popular choice.
People, come on. You got a shiny new piece of “kit”. You went onto the internet. You thought – did you think at all? Hmm? – about what to download. From the internet. Where pretty much all of the music in the world is kept. Millions of songs. Krillions, even.
And it was STILL Leon Jackson you went for? As if you were still in Woolies, choosing one CD from the Top 40? COME ON NOW.

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