Mof has already fully briefed you on what you need to take to the festivals this summer. Just to make things clear, however, here is a list of things you should definitely leave behind.
1. Chandeliers - While you may want your tent to outshine those muddy canvas boozeshacks around you, chandeliers are generally not the way to go when camping. For one thing they tend to weigh down the ceiling of your accommodation, resulting in you sleeping with a mouthful of crystals. Sounds exotic, until you actually try it. It is literally no fun.

2. Slippers - Sure, you want to kick back for an hour or so before summoning your energy and heading back to The Rock. But trying to incorporate your slippers into this chillaxation is just folly. Mud, grass, vomit, spilled alcohol - nuh-uh. This is no place for slippers (this also goes for dressing gowns / bathrobes / smoking jackets / other post-bathing comfort wear).
3. DVD Collection - I love watching “Grease 2″ over and over as much as the next guy, but there are some occasions when it’s just not appropriate, or indeed possible. A festival is one of these occasions. Just memorize the best bits and shoehorn them into conversation whenever you can. It’s not as good as the real thing, but it’ll have to do.
4. Espresso machine - Mmm, we all like a nice shot of “joe” in the morning, especially after a hard night’s revelry. But think it through - space in your tent will be limited, especially if you pull a hot piece of “tail”. Mr. Coffee may have to go down as a non-essential item. Plus you know he’ll just get stolen and urinated on. Just drink sun-warmed, plastic-flavoured water like everyone else.
5. Tuxedo / Ball Gown - While it’s true you never know when you may find yourself invited to a formal function of some kind, the chances of an invite reaching you are negligible when you’re listening to Goa trance and up to your shins in mud and excrement. Same goes for cufflinks (although these could possibly be used as currency during some transactions).

6. Vacuum Cleaner - Yes, it is annoying to be surrounded by grass and mud and ants and crumbs. Why, it’s positively uncivilized. But you’re just going to have to find a way to deal with it. If you break out the Dyson you run the risk of sucking your whole tent up, meaning you’d have to crawl inside a vacuum cleaner for some kip. And that’s even less desirable.

7. Signed first edition of George Orwell’s 1984 - You might find yourself involved in conversations of varying heaviosity over the weekend, but that does not mean a rare, cherished piece of literature belongs with you. Someone will use it for bogroll and / or skinning up. Guaranteed.
8. Breville - Look, if you take your sandwich toaster you’re going to need to take cheese, bread, chopping board, knives (actually you should pack some of these anyway), Lea & Perrings… No. Just eat overpriced slop in a carton like everyone else. You think you’re better than them? You’re NOT.
9. Cereal - You may think because you’ll be in a field that there will cows for you to milk, and it’ll be all back-to-nature-y. Forget it. Take lots of Monster Munch, for this is your breakfast now. And your lunch. And your exfoliating scrub.
10. Newton’s Cradle - I know, I know. You want your £20 Millets tent to be an executive playground. We all want that. But the little plastic strings get all tangled in the living room on Christmas Day, so imagine what it will be like somewhere, somewhere in a field in Hampshire, alright.

Possibly related:

1. The Prodigy live @ Phoenix Festival ‘96

2. 10 things you can’t live without at a festival

3. Glastonbury live webcam

4. The perfect festival tent

5. Festival News: Big Chill preview, Perry Farrell discusses Lollapalooza, Roisin Murphy to dress real nice at Live At Loch Lomond

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Posted by sophiebruce on Friday June 15th, 2007 at 8:30 am