Dear the newly-single Natalie Imbruglia,
Here are 5 reasons why our love would flourish like Brad and Beth’s:
1. I managed to hear “Torn” 83,922 times without killing anyone. Therefore you know I am a patient, non-homicidal man. Those are two highly-valued qualities, right there.
2. I look a bit like David Schwimmer, with whom I gather you had a dalliance a few years back. You can call me by his name, if you want. I’ll even get a monkey. Just say the word.
3. Back in 1998, when all the wannabe indie girls in my hometown were peeking out from behind faux-Imbruglia fringes and trying to look all little-girl-lost, I maintained that the only fringe-peeker that could get away with that look was you. I remain true to this conviction, even though you herself have since apparently foregone said fringe.

4. The “work pressures” that led to your split with husband Daniel Johns are unlikely to affect any relationship you may choose to pursue with me. I am under no pressure to shift units in America, and I would be quite willing to ignore every single deadline in my life if it meant I got to spend another hour asking you why your cheeks are so funny-looking.
5. I’ll write stories about your music every day, whether you have product to promote or not. Nice ones, too. I can only remember “Torn” and “Big Mistake” off the top of my head, but I am quite willing to aquaint myself with your back catalogue in return for… well, we can discuss that at a later date.
Call me!
Love,
Stuart
x
[Source: NME]

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3. An open letter to anyone who spent the week after Christmas downloading Leon Jackson’s “When You Believe” onto their new MP3 player

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Posted by mofgimmers on Tuesday January 8th, 2008 at 9:00 am