My application for a job at Peaches Geldof’s new magazine

The news that sometime DJ / presenter / whatever Peaches Geldof is to launch her own pop culture magazine - to be called Disappear Here, apparently - reached me at just the right time. The festival season comes to a close in just over a week with the End Of The Road festival, so I’m left with the option of babbling on about music in general round these parts, or looking for “a new challenge”.
So why not get in early and apply for a job at Disappear Here? At this point I’ll address Peaches directly, with a cover letter addressing my suitability for a role at her publication:
Hi Peaches,
~~I remember when you were born, you know! Ah, that makes me sound old, doesn’t it?~~ I guess I could hit you up in a more formal manner but that’s so uncool, isn’t it? Like, CVs?? Whatever. So here’s an outline of why I’d be an awesome person to work on your thing.

- I am adept at attending events I have no interest in and drinking as much free alcohol as I can muster
- I am quite willing to wear gonad-and-spirit-crushing outfits in a desperate effort to appear fashionable
- If drug overdoses are a staff requirement, I’m prepared to see what they’re like
- Suppose I’d be up for rutting with a few oddly-bequiffed underachieving wannabe rock stars before marrying some American chap in Vegas
- I would totally love to do a spot of DJ-ing on the strength of my name alone, despite having no proven skills in this area
- I’d be prepared to do a bit of writing, too, if I had to
- I am experienced at using Microsoft Word, PowerPoint and Excel, although pivot tables do my head in a bit if I’m honest
Get back to me if you like, although I’m so laidback and hip I probably won’t even remember having written this.
Peace (said while doing some non-specific gang sign thingy with my hand),
Stuart