Sonic Stereotypes - Too Kool F’Skool Indie Wallflower

Go into any indie club on a weekend, or a Thursday night even, and you’ll be bombarded with more Sonic Stereotypes than you can shake a stick fulla ‘tude at. You’ll get B-Siders and the more extreme version, the Indie Wallflower. Now, the Indie Wallflower isn’t just some kid who is too shy to dance and talk to girls. This cat thinks he’s too cool for all that. He’s a bit distant. He’s a bit mysterious. He’s pissed on cider and is dying for you to approach him.
Yup. These deadbeats can be found hanging around a wall looking a bit bored and disinterested because, like, this ain’t a patch on that guerrilla gig that was in the middle of another guerrilla gig that I went to. Like, this place is such a drag. His nonchalant nature gives an air of opium dens and going back to his for interesting and seedy sex and poetry. The reality of it is a fumble in a car park behind the club because he can’t take y’home as he’ll wake his mum up… and she has to work at the council chambers early tomorrow.

Now, these kids think they’re decadent peacocks that are way too cool to even strut. They are things to be admired by those in the know. They won’t pinch yer arse if you’re a girl. They won’t make eye-contact for long as they’re, like, introverted and have hidden depths. Hell, they might even recline near the girls toilets in the hope that someone may pass them, notice their Nick Nack and the Ming Mongs badge and unravel their personality and, y’know, really understand ‘em.
Of course, there’s not much to understand. If you like hanging around with lads with personality disorders and listening to rubbish indie compilations (self made, full of b-sides of course) in an untidy bedroom, then you’re laughing. However, if you wanna chat about something that doesn’t involve borrowed nostalgia from a fictional late 70s / early 80s and hairspray, then you’re doomed. So how do you deal with these kids? Well, one good thing is to invent bands and watch them agree at how great they were. “Yeah… I saw The Horrors ages ago and the support act blew ‘em off the stage… and The Horrors nicked their style. You should check ‘em out. They’re called The Violet Claws. They’re very much like the very underrated The Hella Yellas. You like ‘em too? Aw great!” Failing that, you can just aim plastic pint glasses at their heads.