10 songs not to sing in the shower if there's a killer stalking you

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Bathroom Killer Shower SceneThere’s nothing worse than showering away, soaping up your breasts and/or balls, only to discover a killer is lurking just the other side of the shower curtain. Worranitemare! And don’t you find this kind of shit tends to happen when you’re singing a song that virtually begs them to dagger you up?

To help you avoid such an embarrassing fate, here’s a handy list of songs never to sing/listen to in the shower if a horrid knifey killer has been threatening to stab the shit out of you.

Des’ree – “Life”

You might be having the bestest day of all your days on earth, but if you start belting out the inappropriately life-affirming “Life” while lathering up your locks, you’re almost guaranteed to find a blade resting somewhere about your organs by the time you reach that appalling “ghost/most/toast” rhyme.

Christina Aguilera – “Beautiful”

If you insist on warbling away about how you’re beautiful, no matter what they say, any killer worth his/her salt will take this as a sign to plunge a machete into your face. Trust me, I’ve been there. It stings.

Grizzly Bear – “Knife”

“Aaaaaowwwwwwa-ow-wowwwww,” croon the Bear, lovelyly. Ah, but could that loveliliness not suddenly resemble the sound of someone being repeatedly shanked with a shining blade? Where’s the lovely then? It’s meandering its way down the plugole – and it’s not lovely, it’s BLOOD. The rule: no songs featuring the word “knife”. And no songs by bands named after dangerous wild animals either, just to be safe.

Pat Benatar – “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”

Come on. This is just asking for trubs.

Rockwell – “Somebody’s Watching Me”

Look, next time you’re rinsing out your conditioner think of this song as the equivalent of saying the Candyman’s name in front of the mirror. If you start singing about someone watching you, SOMEONE IS GOING TO BE WATCHING YOU. And if they’re watching you shower, the chances are they’re also going to be polishing a blade or a part of their anatomy while they do it. Possibly both. They might even be polishing a blade with a part of their anatomy. Whatever, the outcome doesn’t look too good. So just stick to “Singin’ In The Rain” or something and save us all a horrific local news story.

Queen – “Who Wants To Live Forever”

You might be feeling a bit frownyface for some reason, but don’t go tempting fate to this extent. If the person waiting to bring about your demise is having any second thoughts about offing you, cheekily belting this out is like showing them the green light to go slashcrazy. Likewise any songs hinting at your own immortality (e.g. “Live Forever” by Oasis).

Bobby McFerrin – “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”

If a movie director hasn’t used this to soundtrack a ghastly murder scene yet I would be quite surprised. Its whistled melody is so irritatingly chirpy that it just begs to be used to provide jarring contrast for a dismemberment scene

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  1. Susi says:

    Well, this is excellent. Every time I shut my eyes in the shower, I become convinced I hear someone coming into the bathroom to murder me. Now I have a soundtrack to my fear. Ta.

  2. Jaz says:

    LOL – I like your definition of happy relationshipness best:

    “You’re in a brand new love affair, and everything is going swimmingly. He has clean fingernails and doesn’t mind snuggling down to watch Grey’s Anatomy. She’s always on time and never asks you what you’re thinking. Perfect.”

    More dating advice plz!

  3. When I find myself in a relationship that advances beyond this stage, I shall share my wisdom freely.

  4. Spirals says:

    All songs I would not sing if I spotted Hannibal Lector trying to shave off his bristles through his face grill whilst I’m lathering up – fo sho!

    Sink to the bottom by Fountains of Wayne, would be another……..

  5. “Sink To The Bottom” will definitely be on my list of “10 songs not to sing in the BATH if there’s a killer stalking you”.

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