Remember how stupid you felt when you tried to make your mates buy tickets to see a random teenager called Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly? Or when you raved about the unknown New Young Pony Club? Or you heard somebody snigger when you tried to tell them that the Victorian English Gentleman's Club is actually a group of teenagers?

Yes, they're ridiculous names, but I can now reveal that next year's successful-yet-stupidly-named band will feature the words tree or monkey and / or be called Dave. Honest.

So if you're off to a festival and you arrive early, I suggest you check out these bands or DJs. I've got no idea if they're any good, but it's worth a snidey snigger at their name now, and possibly a smug smile and getting to say "Oh yes, I saw them live last year. Keep up" when they make it big.

If you're lucky enough to have a ticket to Bestival, go and see SportsDay Megaphone (pictured), or indeed watch a DJ set (accompanied by 'bluesy howls', apparently) by Son Of Dave. Maybe he's related to Banana Dave, who played Antiworld 070707 last weekend? Or get yourself off to see Three Daft Monkeys, who may be monkey-relatives of ...

... Monkey Sons, who are at Lounge On The Farm, along with the fabulously named Crack Village, Sean Porn and Comfy Rob and DJ Ready Break. D'ya geddit? Like Ready Brek, only he plays breaks! Y'see! And if you have time for them, try and fit in The Trouser Trumpets. Although, if you miss them at Lounge On The Farm, they're playing the Foxwood School and Children's Centre later that week. Rock on.

If, like me, you're off to Get Loaded in the Park on lovely Clapham Common, come and hold my hand while I watch the terrifying-sounding Zombie Disco Squad, or if you're across the country at the festival's other site, in Cardiff, We Are Trees will be playing.

Obviously, they stole all the trees who wanted to be band members from 2 Men & A Tree, who'll be at Lounge On The Farm with their self-described "zombie-jazz" and "pirate-folk".

You like pirates, you say? Well, you need to catch the Patchwork Pirates at Field Day, or Pete and The Pirates at Leeds. Not to be outdone on the strange names-front, Reading's dance arena plays host to the possibly Nathan Barley-inspired Does It Offend You, Yeah?

Latitude has the amazingly-monikered Strange Death of Liberal England, and the band who'll have the most trouble getting through airport security on their way over from Tennesse, How I Became The Bomb.

But if you really want to get into the weirdest, most imaginative names of the festival season, then you need to get over to Guilfest. If you get there early enough on all three days, you can see Hips Like Cinderella, SeeWeeD and Chop, Chop: Bear Touch?. And what's not to like about that, eh?

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